{"id":1881,"date":"2021-08-05T11:03:24","date_gmt":"2021-08-05T11:03:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/?p=1881"},"modified":"2022-06-14T12:01:49","modified_gmt":"2022-06-14T12:01:49","slug":"what-is-assertiveness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/what-is-assertiveness\/","title":{"rendered":"What is assertiveness? And why is it so misunderstood?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"1881\" class=\"elementor elementor-1881\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-1b943185 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"1b943185\" data-element_type=\"section\" data-settings=\"{&quot;jet_parallax_layout_list&quot;:[{&quot;jet_parallax_layout_image&quot;:{&quot;url&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;size&quot;:&quot;&quot;},&quot;_id&quot;:&quot;30c2387&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_image_tablet&quot;:{&quot;url&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;size&quot;:&quot;&quot;},&quot;jet_parallax_layout_image_mobile&quot;:{&quot;url&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;size&quot;:&quot;&quot;},&quot;jet_parallax_layout_speed&quot;:{&quot;unit&quot;:&quot;%&quot;,&quot;size&quot;:50,&quot;sizes&quot;:[]},&quot;jet_parallax_layout_type&quot;:&quot;scroll&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_direction&quot;:null,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_fx_direction&quot;:null,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_z_index&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_x&quot;:50,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_x_tablet&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_x_mobile&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_y&quot;:50,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_y_tablet&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_y_mobile&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_size&quot;:&quot;auto&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_size_tablet&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_bg_size_mobile&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_animation_prop&quot;:&quot;transform&quot;,&quot;jet_parallax_layout_on&quot;:[&quot;desktop&quot;,&quot;tablet&quot;]}]}\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-2a42ffaf\" data-id=\"2a42ffaf\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-56bca759 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"56bca759\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<style>\/*! elementor - v3.21.0 - 25-04-2024 *\/\n.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-stacked .elementor-drop-cap{background-color:#69727d;color:#fff}.elementor-widget-text-editor.elementor-drop-cap-view-framed .elementor-drop-cap{color:#69727d;border:3px solid;background-color:transparent}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap{margin-top:8px}.elementor-widget-text-editor:not(.elementor-drop-cap-view-default) .elementor-drop-cap-letter{width:1em;height:1em}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap{float:left;text-align:center;line-height:1;font-size:50px}.elementor-widget-text-editor .elementor-drop-cap-letter{display:inline-block}<\/style>\t\t\t\t<!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>When a person is described as `assertive\u2019, what springs to mind?\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>I\u2019m going to make an assumption here. You\u2019re probably thinking of a person who is domineering, loud, over-confident and aggressive.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>You wouldn\u2019t be alone in that. Look up the word `aggressive\u2019 in a Thesaurus and guess which word comes up?\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Yep. Assertive.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>It\u2019s one of the most misunderstood words in the English language.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>In this post I\u2019ll explain what assertiveness is. Equally as important, you\u2019ll discover what it is not &#8211; and why assertiveness is so frequently misunderstood.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>You\u2019ll also get practical tips on how to communicate in a direct, honest style with zero drama, maximum insight and a healthy dose of self-respect.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>What is assertiveness?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings, opinions and needs clearly and with empathy. You assert your rights whilst respecting the feelings, beliefs and rights of others.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Put simply, assertiveness is the foundation of healthy relationships &#8211; both professional and personal.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>What assertive behaviour is not\u2026\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:list -->\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Aggressive<\/strong>, although aggression is often confused with assertiveness because both types of behaviour involve expressing needs and standing up for your rights.\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<!-- \/wp:list --><!-- wp:list -->\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Passive<\/strong>, where other people\u2019s rights take precedence over your own and you avoid standing up or speaking out.\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<!-- \/wp:list --><!-- wp:list -->\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Passive-aggressive<\/strong> &#8211; or indirect aggression, often manifesting itself in sarcasm and insinuation, manipulation, guilt-inducing ploys and covert sabotage.\u00a0\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<!-- \/wp:list --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>Why we misunderstand assertiveness<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:image {\"id\":1920,\"sizeSlug\":\"large\",\"linkDestination\":\"none\"} -->\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"576\" class=\"wp-image-1920\" src=\"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Caveman-image-1-1024x576.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Caveman-image-1-1024x576.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Caveman-image-1-300x169.jpg 300w, https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Caveman-image-1-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Caveman-image-1-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Caveman-image-1-2048x1152.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n<!-- \/wp:image --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Back in caveman days things were pretty straightforward. Under stress, we had 3 self-preservation responses &#8211; fight, flight or freeze. Assertiveness didn\u2019t come into it.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>What happens when you try being assertive with a sabre-toothed tiger? You become lunch.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>The problem with our stress response is that it\u2019s stuck in caveman mode &#8211; and avoiding hungry dangerous animals is not an essential business skill.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>It\u2019s hardly surprising that assertiveness is misunderstood by most humans. If our 6 million-year evolution were a 24-hour clock, assertiveness arrived only seconds ago. As yet, it\u2019s not instinctive behaviour.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>So, why bother with assertiveness?<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Now, you may be wondering&#8230; Why take the trouble to learn something that goes against our primaeval instincts for self-preservation? Surely it\u2019s a waste of time and effort.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Here\u2019s why:<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Assertiveness is actually self-preservation. At work and at home, it will massively lower your anxiety levels. When it comes to both mental and physical health, that can be a life-saver.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:image {\"align\":\"center\",\"id\":1910,\"width\":1024,\"sizeSlug\":\"full\",\"linkDestination\":\"none\"} -->\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-1910\" src=\"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Yes-Or-No.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1024\" srcset=\"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Yes-Or-No.jpg 612w, https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/Yes-Or-No-300x200.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 612px) 100vw, 612px\" loading=\"lazy\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<!-- \/wp:image --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Assertive people can resist aggression, manipulation and controlling behaviour. They can set boundaries &#8211; and they know how to say `<strong>no<\/strong>\u2019 firmly yet politely, without causing upset.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>They are proactive. Instead of reacting to external circumstances, assertive people make things happen. Rather than igniting negative responses from others, they project calmness and confidence. By empathising with the needs of other people, they bring positive outcomes for everyone, not just themselves.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>It\u2019s a win-win.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Does that sound like a good thing? If so, you\u2019ll be wanting a few tips on assertive communication.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>Some simple tips for assertive communication<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Communicating assertively means expressing your thoughts and feelings without apportioning blame, hurting or alienating others.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Here\u2019s an example:<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Let\u2019s imagine that one of your team members persistently arrives late for meetings. How would you address the situation?<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:table -->\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\">\n<table>\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td><strong>Aggressive<\/strong>: <em>You\u2019re always late!\u00a0 Don\u2019t you know how to tell the time?\u00a0<\/em><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><strong>Passive<\/strong>:<em> I\u2019m sorry, but please can you arrive a bit earlier for the next meeting.<\/em><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><strong>Passive-aggressive<\/strong>: <em>pointedly looks at watch, tuts loudly and sighs<\/em><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><strong>Assertive<\/strong>: <em>I would appreciate it if you could turn up promptly for meetings because otherwise,\u00a0 I have to repeat information.<\/em>\u00a0\u00a0<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/figure>\n<!-- \/wp:table --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>The `I\u2019 statement<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>The <strong>`I\u2019 statement<\/strong> expresses your feelings without becoming emotional. It identifies the behaviour (<em>being late for meetings<\/em>) and its tangible effect (<em>having to repeat information<\/em>).\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>It\u2019s direct and honest. It avoids either an aggressive attack on a person\u2019s behaviour, or a passive apology for mentioning it.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Other examples of the `I\u2019 statement include:<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:list -->\n<ul>\n<li>I would like\u2026<\/li>\n<li>My concern is\u2026<\/li>\n<li>What I\u2019d like to see happen is\u2026\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<!-- \/wp:list --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>The workable compromise<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Let\u2019s say you\u2019re working to a tight deadline, and someone keeps dropping by your desk for advice. You need to protect your time.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Here\u2019s an assertive response:<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><em>I understand that you\u2019d like to talk through the problem as soon as possible. I need to finish what I\u2019m doing, so how about meeting in half an hour?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>You\u2019ve demonstrated an understanding of the other person\u2019s need, expressed your own needs and proposed a win-win solution for both of you.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>Reflecting<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>This is an active listening skill, a crucial technique when it comes to assertiveness.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>Reflecting<\/strong> summarises and shares what you believe the other person has said. It\u2019s a way to seek clarification, gather more information and confirm that you\u2019ve listened and understood.<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:list -->\n<ul>\n<li>What I\u2019m hearing you say is\u2026<\/li>\n<li>It sounds to me like\u2026\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<!-- \/wp:list --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Try using phrases such as:<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:list -->\n<ul>\n<li>Can you tell me more?<\/li>\n<li>What would be helpful?<\/li>\n<li>What do you think about it?\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<!-- \/wp:list --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>The push-back<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>At first, you may experience push-back or even aggression from people who feel threatened by the change in your communication style.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>When you communicate assertively and receive an aggressive response, the problem lies with the responder &#8211; not you.\u00a0 And the good news is that there are techniques for dealing calmly with negative reactions.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p><strong>Do you have the courage?<\/strong><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>Assertiveness takes courage, time and practice. It\u2019s hard to speak up for ourselves, set boundaries and say `no\u2019&#8230; But remember, we have the right to express our feelings and be heard.\u00a0<\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph --><!-- wp:paragraph -->\n<p>If you\u2019ve spent a lifetime silencing yourself, assertiveness training will almost certainly be life-changing. Likewise, if you alienate others by coming on too strong, you will earn the respect of others by expressing your views and resolving conflict with empathy and understanding.\u00a0\u00a0<br \/>To find out more about my assertiveness training workshop, or to book your place, <a href=\"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/services\/#team-development\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">get in touch here.<\/a><\/p>\n<!-- \/wp:paragraph -->\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When a person is described as `assertive\u2019, what springs to mind?\u00a0 I\u2019m going to make an assumption here. You\u2019re probably thinking of a person who is domineering, loud, over-confident and aggressive.\u00a0 You wouldn\u2019t be alone in that. Look up the word `aggressive\u2019 in a Thesaurus and guess which word comes up?\u00a0 Yep. Assertive.\u00a0 It\u2019s one [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1896,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1881"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1881"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1881\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2070,"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1881\/revisions\/2070"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1896"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1881"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1881"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yvettejeal.co.uk\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1881"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}